Mom died today
2004-08-27
I’m sitting here holding dirty clothes tightly that my Mom wore today. I thought I could just wash out her things because I need to take clothes to the funeral home tomorrow. As soon as I started to take them out of the bag I started crying. When I got to the clothes she wore today, I sobbed and cried out “Mama, Mama!” over and over. This went on for a long long time, I could not stop my sobs and groans.
My mom died today and my heart is agonizing. It hurts more than I ever possibly thought it could. My heart hurts. I’ve thought about it a lot over the past few weeks and it has been so hard to contemplate as I watched her get sicker and weaker and weaker. It is so much more than the fear that it is going to happen.
One thing I keep remembering is a day a few weeks ago when I was fiddling with her catheter tubing and bent over in front of her chair. I felt her hand pat my head, a loving caress. I looked up and she smiled at me. I told her I loved her and she told me that she knew that. Then she’d say I love you too. She said that to me often lately.
I miss her so much. I knew she was struggling, had been struggling for every breath but I didn’t know it was going to happen today.
There are so many I wish I had….s, but I can’t even think of them now. There is a huge aching hole inside of me, in my inner most parts and it hurts, it hurts.
When I got there today I looked up to see they were bringing Mom down the hall in a wheelchair and a nurses aide was saying, "Look who is here to see you, Evelyn. Open your eyes and look and see who is here." They were taking her to the bathroom down the hall because it is roomier and easier to get her in there.
The nurse had said that she thought Mom maybe had better go back to bed because she couldn’t stay awake. Dad and I thought that she was laying down too much and it would be good for her to be up. After she came out of the bathroom the n.a. said that she seemed more awake. The n.a. told her Dad was here and she looked up to see. Dad or the n.a., not sure which it was asked her if she wanted to go to the dining room and she said yes.
The n.a. took her down and asked me to bring her O2. Down there Mom had trouble lifting up her head and seemed to breathing harder than usual with a large outtake of breath thru her mouth each time. I told Dad she seemed to perk up when she knew he was there and asked if he’d stay with her while we ate and then he and Zachary could leave and go eat. I fed her some and Dad did. She drank both her health shakes, ¾ of her apple juice and ate a little green beans, meat, pudding and then we tried the ice cream and she really ate more of that, probably ½ of it. She loves ice cream. She held my hand and Dad’s hand very tightly the entire meal. She tried to say something to us several times but neither Dad or I could understand her words and when we asked her to repeat it so we could try and understand, she didn’t. I feel so bad about that. She would rear her head up and look at both of us off and on and then her head would be down again. She would squeeze my hand tight several different times. I told Dad to talk to her and he told Mom about Brent fixing his computer and how much he appreciated it and then he talked to her about it being a warm sunny day. He told her to look out the window and see for herself. She pulled her head up and looked at him first and then we told her to look the other direction (the window was behind me). She looked at the light in the window and then her head fell down again. Dad got up to leave and I said "Give her a kiss before you go." I am so glad that he did that. After a few moments, Mom said, "Dad?" And I told her that he had taken Zachary to eat lunch. She nodded her head. It was the last thing she said to me.
I wish I’d been more there for her, I was so getting things arranged for her shower and I wish I had just held her and I did tell her I loved her several times during lunch.
Maybe she was just too weak to take a shower? I don’t know, there is no way to know. I wish we’d just put her to bed.
Her eyes had seemed pretty different today, not seeing us all the time but just staring. She had to move her whole head to turn and see something, like when she looked at the light in the window.
Crystal and I took Mom in for her shower. I told the na just a fast one because she is so weak and then we can get her back to bed and on her O2. I told Crystal, who’d never given Mom a bath before, the way Mom likes it. A clean cloth with no soap to wash her eyes and face and then offer her a soapy cloth to wash the front part of her body herself. I also told her to let her feel the water first, Mom likes it luke-warm, not too hot or too cold. Mom wouldn’t respond so I felt the water and it was ok. Crystal was talking to Mom the whole time and trying to get her to help but Mom couldn’t. So I told her that it was good to offer and she just didn’t have the strength to help her herself today. Oh God Oh God Oh God.
Mom kept sniffling over and over during the whole shower. Crystal dried her off, still trying to talk to her and getting no response. Mom was still breathing hard. Crystal had her depend and navy pants and sox on and I was trying to get her blouse on when Mom gave 2 heaving big breathes, still with her head down, that heaved her
whole front from the top of her chest to the bottom of her belly and then she threw up and didn’t take another breath.
Crystal was saying "Evelyn Evelyn!", and I said "Crystal, I don’t think she is breathing." Crystal started to cry, sobbing loud and I said, "I want the nurse" and she said "Go get her." I ran to the desk and said, "Rejetta you need to come and see my Mom right now." She came right away with me and I told her that I didn’t think Mom was breathing. She wiped off the throw up, it was down the side of Mom’s tummy and her leg. Regetta got out her stethoscope and listened in several places, Crystal is hysterical at this point. Regetta tells her to go get April (she’s the nurse on unit 2) and Crystal just keeps almost screaming. 2 other nurses aide’s come in and I told one of them that Rejetta wants April on unit 2 right now. Then Rejetta tells Crystal to go to the room behind the desk and clothes the door and sit down in there. I watch across the room and am crying and trying not to sob loudly. April comes in and listens with a stethoscope also and shakes her head and says she can’t hear anything. At this point I call Brent and tell him what happened and that I need him to come here now. Then I call Ed and am sobbing on the phone that Mom just died. I wasn’t sure how to tell Dad. I didn’t want to call him on the phone and tell him and then have him drive after hearing that news. Ed called Dad and told him that he needed to see him right away. I am so thankful that Ed handled that. He was going to call Stan too. They put a gown on Mom and Rejetta holds her head while the nurses aides go and close all the doors up and down the hall. They get Mom back in bed and I am crying so hard. They all hug me and Rejetta asks if I need someone with me and I say I don’t know and cry harder and she asks Donna the cmt to stay with me. I told Donna that I appreciated the newer nurses aides saying they were sorry but that it was people like her who knew Mom well and knew me that I wanted, needed, it’s hard to explain how I was feeling. Donna went to ask a question for me and then I was alone with Mom. I went over and said "Jesus, please give my Mom a big hug for me and tell her how very much I love her." Then I went over and kissed her on the forehead and told her again how much I loved her. I cried so hard. Next Rejetta and the head nurse and the manor came in, she had to verify that Mom wasn’t breathing, no heart was beating. They were all kind. Every nurse’s aide hugged me, even the ones on 3-11.
I am so tired. I don’t know if I can sleep. I am still holding tight to my Mom’s dirty clothes. They were the last things to touch her, to be next to her skin.
There is more, but I need to take a breather and go to the bathroom and get a drink. Can I tell more? Can I stop this. I need to record this day for some peace of mind.
I’m sitting here holding dirty clothes tightly that my Mom wore today. I thought I could just wash out her things because I need to take clothes to the funeral home tomorrow. As soon as I started to take them out of the bag I started crying. When I got to the clothes she wore today, I sobbed and cried out “Mama, Mama!” over and over. This went on for a long long time, I could not stop my sobs and groans.
My mom died today and my heart is agonizing. It hurts more than I ever possibly thought it could. My heart hurts. I’ve thought about it a lot over the past few weeks and it has been so hard to contemplate as I watched her get sicker and weaker and weaker. It is so much more than the fear that it is going to happen.
One thing I keep remembering is a day a few weeks ago when I was fiddling with her catheter tubing and bent over in front of her chair. I felt her hand pat my head, a loving caress. I looked up and she smiled at me. I told her I loved her and she told me that she knew that. Then she’d say I love you too. She said that to me often lately.
I miss her so much. I knew she was struggling, had been struggling for every breath but I didn’t know it was going to happen today.
There are so many I wish I had….s, but I can’t even think of them now. There is a huge aching hole inside of me, in my inner most parts and it hurts, it hurts.
When I got there today I looked up to see they were bringing Mom down the hall in a wheelchair and a nurses aide was saying, "Look who is here to see you, Evelyn. Open your eyes and look and see who is here." They were taking her to the bathroom down the hall because it is roomier and easier to get her in there.
The nurse had said that she thought Mom maybe had better go back to bed because she couldn’t stay awake. Dad and I thought that she was laying down too much and it would be good for her to be up. After she came out of the bathroom the n.a. said that she seemed more awake. The n.a. told her Dad was here and she looked up to see. Dad or the n.a., not sure which it was asked her if she wanted to go to the dining room and she said yes.
The n.a. took her down and asked me to bring her O2. Down there Mom had trouble lifting up her head and seemed to breathing harder than usual with a large outtake of breath thru her mouth each time. I told Dad she seemed to perk up when she knew he was there and asked if he’d stay with her while we ate and then he and Zachary could leave and go eat. I fed her some and Dad did. She drank both her health shakes, ¾ of her apple juice and ate a little green beans, meat, pudding and then we tried the ice cream and she really ate more of that, probably ½ of it. She loves ice cream. She held my hand and Dad’s hand very tightly the entire meal. She tried to say something to us several times but neither Dad or I could understand her words and when we asked her to repeat it so we could try and understand, she didn’t. I feel so bad about that. She would rear her head up and look at both of us off and on and then her head would be down again. She would squeeze my hand tight several different times. I told Dad to talk to her and he told Mom about Brent fixing his computer and how much he appreciated it and then he talked to her about it being a warm sunny day. He told her to look out the window and see for herself. She pulled her head up and looked at him first and then we told her to look the other direction (the window was behind me). She looked at the light in the window and then her head fell down again. Dad got up to leave and I said "Give her a kiss before you go." I am so glad that he did that. After a few moments, Mom said, "Dad?" And I told her that he had taken Zachary to eat lunch. She nodded her head. It was the last thing she said to me.
I wish I’d been more there for her, I was so getting things arranged for her shower and I wish I had just held her and I did tell her I loved her several times during lunch.
Maybe she was just too weak to take a shower? I don’t know, there is no way to know. I wish we’d just put her to bed.
Her eyes had seemed pretty different today, not seeing us all the time but just staring. She had to move her whole head to turn and see something, like when she looked at the light in the window.
Crystal and I took Mom in for her shower. I told the na just a fast one because she is so weak and then we can get her back to bed and on her O2. I told Crystal, who’d never given Mom a bath before, the way Mom likes it. A clean cloth with no soap to wash her eyes and face and then offer her a soapy cloth to wash the front part of her body herself. I also told her to let her feel the water first, Mom likes it luke-warm, not too hot or too cold. Mom wouldn’t respond so I felt the water and it was ok. Crystal was talking to Mom the whole time and trying to get her to help but Mom couldn’t. So I told her that it was good to offer and she just didn’t have the strength to help her herself today. Oh God Oh God Oh God.
Mom kept sniffling over and over during the whole shower. Crystal dried her off, still trying to talk to her and getting no response. Mom was still breathing hard. Crystal had her depend and navy pants and sox on and I was trying to get her blouse on when Mom gave 2 heaving big breathes, still with her head down, that heaved her
whole front from the top of her chest to the bottom of her belly and then she threw up and didn’t take another breath.
Crystal was saying "Evelyn Evelyn!", and I said "Crystal, I don’t think she is breathing." Crystal started to cry, sobbing loud and I said, "I want the nurse" and she said "Go get her." I ran to the desk and said, "Rejetta you need to come and see my Mom right now." She came right away with me and I told her that I didn’t think Mom was breathing. She wiped off the throw up, it was down the side of Mom’s tummy and her leg. Regetta got out her stethoscope and listened in several places, Crystal is hysterical at this point. Regetta tells her to go get April (she’s the nurse on unit 2) and Crystal just keeps almost screaming. 2 other nurses aide’s come in and I told one of them that Rejetta wants April on unit 2 right now. Then Rejetta tells Crystal to go to the room behind the desk and clothes the door and sit down in there. I watch across the room and am crying and trying not to sob loudly. April comes in and listens with a stethoscope also and shakes her head and says she can’t hear anything. At this point I call Brent and tell him what happened and that I need him to come here now. Then I call Ed and am sobbing on the phone that Mom just died. I wasn’t sure how to tell Dad. I didn’t want to call him on the phone and tell him and then have him drive after hearing that news. Ed called Dad and told him that he needed to see him right away. I am so thankful that Ed handled that. He was going to call Stan too. They put a gown on Mom and Rejetta holds her head while the nurses aides go and close all the doors up and down the hall. They get Mom back in bed and I am crying so hard. They all hug me and Rejetta asks if I need someone with me and I say I don’t know and cry harder and she asks Donna the cmt to stay with me. I told Donna that I appreciated the newer nurses aides saying they were sorry but that it was people like her who knew Mom well and knew me that I wanted, needed, it’s hard to explain how I was feeling. Donna went to ask a question for me and then I was alone with Mom. I went over and said "Jesus, please give my Mom a big hug for me and tell her how very much I love her." Then I went over and kissed her on the forehead and told her again how much I loved her. I cried so hard. Next Rejetta and the head nurse and the manor came in, she had to verify that Mom wasn’t breathing, no heart was beating. They were all kind. Every nurse’s aide hugged me, even the ones on 3-11.
I am so tired. I don’t know if I can sleep. I am still holding tight to my Mom’s dirty clothes. They were the last things to touch her, to be next to her skin.
There is more, but I need to take a breather and go to the bathroom and get a drink. Can I tell more? Can I stop this. I need to record this day for some peace of mind.
posted by Mom to the mighty Zman @ 11:30 PM
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